Without a doubt my least-favorite part of owning my own business is managing the “accounting department.” Thanks to QuickBooks, it has become a lot easier. Now I not only know exactly how much money I wasted on lattes and taxis last month, but I am also keenly aware of how late your payment is. QuickBooks has appropriately put such invoices into the Aging category, which I have found to be directly proportionate to the number of gray hairs I get while waiting for your check.
That little box above the price breakdown on my invoice says NET30. That means you have 30 days to pay me. I can’t name many businesses that give you that long to pay a bill–with no interest. I successfully crafted your corporate logo or sales presentation within the two-day deadline you gave me. You loved it and told me what a genius I am, but here I sit waiting almost a full financial quarter for you to pay me for said genius. Good luck telling your favorite restaurant you’ll be back in 90 days to pay for your meal without expecting a little bodily bonus from the chef in your dessert. That’s not really my style, though, so what’s a girl to do?
I usually start with a pleasant email reminder and attach my original invoice. Inevitably, you respond with embarrassment and assure me you are on top of the situation. Weeks pass. I then break out my best fake English accent and call your accounting department claiming to be my own assistant. But if cheeky but professional Emma (my fake assistant’s name) fails? That’s when I move on to call and email you incessantly until you beg your accounting department to pay my invoice just to get me off your back. By this point, if I am still not paid, I have one last move. I put the nail in the coffin of our client relationship and use the word “lawyer.” Miraculously, this one works every time. Unfortunately, it also means you will most likely never call me for work again.
Emma and I will be gutted and mourn your loss. But only for NET30 seconds. We have to drum up business and find a new client who will pay us. On time. Stiff upper lip and all that.
