One of the most rewarding aspects of being a manager is the power to waste other people’s time. A great way to do this is by transforming short meetings into endless morale-sucks in which nothing is accomplished and big chunks of the work day are blown.
Here are some helpful hints for pulling this off effectively:
1. Do it on short notice! Impromptu meetings disrupt whatever work people were already doing. Everyone loves a surprise, especially in the middle of a busy day. An unplanned two-hour meeting not only shakes up the same old boring routine, it teaches patience, discipline, and time-management skills. Your employees will thank you a thousand times over.
2. If you’re forced to give advance notice of the meeting via a “calendar invite,” keep the subject line vague so that no one will be able to prepare. “Mandatory meeting,” “Catch-up meeting,” or — my personal favorite — “Quick check-in” all suffice nicely. Don’t provide any additional details. “Forgetting” to include the location of the meeting is a good way to delay the start for an extra fifteen minutes while people meander aimlessly through the company hallways, looking into each conference room and interrupting other meetings.
3. Don’t have an agenda! Clarity tends to give people more control of a situation, which is the opposite of what you want. The lack of an agenda allows the conversation to wander in any direction, unleashing what we veterans like to call “creative serendipity,” or “wasted time.” Don’t be one of those overbearing leaders who rein in meetings by suggesting that people “take that discussion offline.”
4. Arrange to be called out of the meeting to “put out a quick fire.” Tell people that you’ll be right back, and ask that they continue without you. Wait a minimum of fifteen minutes before returning — long enough for at least someone to leave. Research shows that some employees will wait in a conference room for up to an hour without direction, but you are the best judge of your employees’ breaking points.
5. When you do return, insist that anyone who left the meeting be tracked down and asked to return. That is typically good for another ten-minute delay. Resume the meeting with, “Okay, let’s back up, recap what we’ve discussed so far, and go from there.” Incessant repetition has been shown to have a calming effect on toddlers, most varieties of houseplants, and lobotomized mental patients. Don’t underestimate its power!
Once you become a pro, you can add your own unique touches — like starting meetings at 5 pm on a Friday, asking a subordinate to write up notes at the end of an especially long meeting, or pulling an all-dayer: “We’re going to stay here until we figure this out!”
Just remember: the most interesting roads are often those that lead absolutely nowhere. Or is that dead-end roads? Whatever.
[Photo: Highways Agency/Flickr]
