The Hired Guns Blog

You’ve worked hard all year. Now it’s your time to make a total ass of yourself in front of everyone who could possibly be beneficial to your career. So relax and let your true personality shine. Here are some tips to make the most of the situation:

1. The food and booze are free, so take advantage of it. Stuff a few of those tuna canapés into your pockets to enjoy later. And don’t wimp out by drinking soda. Real men drink hard liquor, and lots of it. Think Mad Men. Hey, if they didn’t want you to drink heavily, they wouldn’t give you free booze.

2. This is a great time to corner the CEO and remind him in detail of your many accomplishments over the past year. If you’re nervous about it, have a few drinks beforehand. Start with a clever opener like, “Dude, your wife is smokin’ hot!” He’ll get a chuckle out of that — especially if she’s hideously ugly.

3. It can be noisy at holiday parties, so get right in people’s faces when you speak to them. A good rule of thumb is to never be further than three inches from someone’s face — a quarter-inch closer for every drink you’ve had. And before you ask, yes, people enjoy the aroma of tuna canapés.

4. Maximize your visibility. No one remembers who was second in the conga line — or who didn’t barf in the punch bowl.

5. The holiday party is a great place to find romance. Many people are lonely around the holidays, and this is a perfect opportunity to strike while they’re vulnerable. Especially interns. Trust me: no one ever regretted hooking up with a hot intern.

6. If the boss offers a toast, he’ll appreciate it if you follow it up with a toast of your own. Remember, he’s a hard act to follow, so definitely make yours funnier. Consider reprising that line about his wife being smokin’ hot. That will warm up the holiday crowd. People will thank you tomorrow.

7. If there’s live music, insist on singing a karaoke version of “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” with the boss’s wife. This is guaranteed to bring the house down every time.

8. Whatever you do, don’t be a total bore like the COO: one glass of chardonnay, moving from table to table shaking hands and making small talk, then leaving by 9:45. He’ll never amount to anything in this company.

[Holiday party photo: Dmitriy Shironosov/Shutterstock]