Anyone can be incompetent for a few weeks or even months without suffering serious repercussions. The dysfunction of most organizations provides cover for even the most glaring managerial incompetence — for a while. But the fact is, only a gifted few can be ineffective for their entire careers and continue to fail upwards.
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For many people, the new year is a time to reflect. That’s because they still cling to the quaint belief that they can become happier and more productive. Enlightened managers like you know that self-reflection is like 10,000-mile maintenance: if the wheels haven’t come off yet, just keep driving.
Here are five ways to avoid thinking too much about the future, so that you can concentrate on repeating the same mistakes year after year:
1. Don’t make a plan for what you’d like to be doing in one, five, and ten years. Those things are so embarrassing to look at later on, when you’ve failed miserably. Better to not even think about it. Then, ten years from now when you’re selling batteries at Radio Shack, you can claim success and say, “Yeah, I planned it this way.” Read More →
You’ve worked hard all year. Now it’s your time to make a total ass of yourself in front of everyone who could possibly be beneficial to your career. So relax and let your true personality shine. Here are some tips to make the most of the situation: Read More →
One of the most rewarding aspects of being a manager is the power to waste other people’s time. A great way to do this is by transforming short meetings into endless morale-sucks in which nothing is accomplished and big chunks of the work day are blown.
Here are some helpful hints for pulling this off effectively:
1. Do it on short notice! Impromptu meetings disrupt whatever work people were already doing. Everyone loves a surprise, especially in the middle of a busy day. An unplanned two-hour meeting not only shakes up the same old boring routine, it teaches patience, discipline, and time-management skills. Your employees will thank you a thousand times over. Read More →
Now that you’re a big, important manager, you’ll probably be called on to interview job candidates. Despite what the experts in Human Resources and Legal say (cough — who cares — cough), the whole issue of what constitutes legal and illegal lines of questioning is blown waayyy out of proportion. Some people are just too uptight.
Nonetheless, here are a few things you might want to say to reassure job candidates that you’re “in sync” with HR and Legal on those touchy topics:
I just want to let you know that we wouldn’t mind hiring a really old person such as yourself. Your generation has done so much for our country, particularly in World War I. The fact that you even showed up today is pretty amazing, when you think about it. I mean, your kids are probably on Social Security by now, right? Ha-ha. No, but seriously — I know you probably didn’t even get that joke, and that’s okay, because I know you’re a little slow mentally. I just want you to know that we’re willing to sacrifice productivity a bit by hiring you. Can I call you Grandpa?
Hurray. The evil production manager you used to report to just got fired. Everyone on your team is happy. Even better: you’re the new production manager. Woo-hoo!
Here’s what you should do to ensure that you will fail:
You always thought your old boss was a jerk. Your new boss will be a jerk too. You hate bosses. You never want to be a boss. Just keep doing your old job. If your new boss absolutely insists on meeting with you now and then, fine. But don’t go out of your way to communicate or—ick—try to understand his or her goals and strategies. Certainly don’t be proactive or anything. After all, the whole stupid company sucks; you’re just here for a paycheck. Share your sentiments with your team. Read More →
As a manager, you may occasionally be asked to “think strategically.” That means to consider issues that have a broad impact on the company, such as long-term revenue opportunities, more efficient competition in a changing marketplace, and securing job offers from other companies before everyone at your company realizes you’re clueless.
Unfortunately, “thinking strategically” requires time, effort, and precious brain power that could be better spent on fantasy baseball. Here are five ways to avoid it:
What’s due by the end of the week? When are those reports from Cincinnati coming in? Don’t you have some sort of meeting to attend? Don’t worry about the fact that your company has no office in Cincinnati. The point is, you’re a manager. Look busy.
Pay lots of attention to the work your subordinates do. Has it been double-checked? Would it look better with a slightly larger font? How about an emoticon on the cover page? Don’t worry about your peers in other departments. And by all means don’t bother your boss. Respect his privacy and let him do his own job, and he’ll let you do yours. Read More →
In between the time that you become a manager and the time you get fired, you may be asked to replace a worker who has quit in disgust. This is an excellent opportunity to showcase your skills in hiring by disregarding resume-screening “best practices” and instead “thinking outside of the box.”
Although this frequently results in hiring serial killers, occasionally you will end up hiring a unique, relatively harmless individual who shakes up the status quo and whose body odor is hardly ever a distraction.
Consider these tips for going through resumes:
There is one key rule in management: never hire anyone desperate or stupid enough to work for someone like you. Unfortunately, at some point in your management career you may need to replace an employee who was smart enough to quit.
If and when this happens, you will probably come across something known as a “resume” and its useless cousin, the “cover letter.”
Back when people used typewriters and an archaic delivery system known as the U.S. Postal Service, cover letters served the important function of protecting resumes against damage caused by psychotic postal workers.
Since the advent of computers sometime around 1885, resumes have been sent via email. Today, the purpose of a cover letter is to avoid attaching a resume to a completely blank email, which is frowned upon in some cultures.
You will recognize a cover letter by its adherence to the following format:
Beginning: Blah-blah-blah. Blah-blah-blah.
Middle: Blah-blah-blah. Blah-blah-blah-blah.
End: My resume is attached.
While most managers read only the resume, you should always print out and read the cover letter as well. This is a handy way to kill time and avoid doing actual work. Perhaps more important, it can serve as inexpensive gift wrap, lining for a birdcage, or holiday party confetti.
Under no circumstances should you pay attention to the following: Read More →
Most bosses suffer from the delusion that they are smart. Perhaps they feel that their years of industry experience and managing people somehow give them special “knowledge” that others don’t possess. As the hot new manager with the MBA, it’s your job to set him straight.
Here are five tips for doing it right:
1. Exude confidence. State your opinion firmly. If that doesn’t work, continue to repeat your point, but louder. Some management gurus claim that a more productive way to persuade someone is to provide compelling data to back up your opinion. But that requires effort, and research shows that 90% of the time, appearing to be right is more important than actually being right. (The other 10% of the time you will cause your 150-year-old company to implode. But that’s only 10% of the time.) Read More →
Whoever coined the phrase “work/life balance” probably understood that the key to long-term productivity is a positive work environment, a range of outside interests, and job satisfaction. You don’t want people like that working for you.
Instead, here are five ways to keep your workers focused on work 24/7:
1. Don’t have a spouse or family, and forbid your employees from having them. Families have a tendency to be involved in school pageants and athletic events, they don’t like to move or change schools, and they suck out a lot of energy that could be better spent on Six Sigma productivity training. If members of your team have preexisting families, encourage them to jettison them immediately. At minimum, require them to replace their personal photos with framed motivational posters. Explain to them that “this is your family now.” Read More →
Congratulations on getting your MBA! You are now extremely special. No one else on the planet has one, after all. The people at your new company who don’t have one, including your boss, will enjoy hearing all about it. But they’ll need frequent reminders, especially the part about how it makes you better than them. Here are some tips to maximize your effectiveness:
1. Add “MBA” to your email signature, as if you’re a PhD. This only takes thirty seconds to do, but you’ll be amazed at the impact it has. Every single time you send an email, the recipient will be reminded of your impressive academic credentials. Don’t be surprised if complete strangers start greeting you in the hallways. “Hey, look, it’s the guy with the MBA!” Read More →
You could spend years trying to fail upwards, only to find that all the good promotions have already been claimed by more successful incompetent people. Here’s how to shave a few years off your timeline:
“Management experts” (insert sarcastic chuckle here) are fond of saying that effective business managers lead like coaches, not generals. They point out that in today’s dynamic business world, where top employees have specialized skills as well as the freedom and motivation to change jobs to achieve their career goals, treating employees like regimented foot soldiers is a recipe for disaster. Coaching them like members of a high-performing athletic team is a more productive approach.
What these so-called “experts” fail to understand is that business is a battleground, not a junior-high girls’ badminton league. To succeed, you’ve got to crush your competitors, and what better way to instill that mindset than by crushing your own employees first?
Here are five great ways to do that:
1. Talk, don’t listen! Generals give commands. Coaches have team meetings, make suggestions, and (snicker, snicker) solicit team input. If Patton had adopted the coaching style of leadership during WWII, we’d all be speaking German. Read More →
The digital media strategist Todd Tarpley has launched businesses for A&E, Bravo, and Nielsen. Because there are already hundreds of blogs and books telling managers how to succeed, his “How Not to Succeed” series uses his expertise to help managers learn how to fail instead.
You’ve just been given oversight of a new product launch. Your first task is to hire a team. Here’s how to screw it up:
1. Hire as if it’s a mature business. That means hiring people who have been successfully doing one thing, one way, for a long time. After all, you’re trying to bring some stability to the organization. Why put a premium on versatility and general intelligence? Whatever business plan you have laid out will surely be exactly the same a year from now–no unforeseen changes, no evolution, no growth. People who have worked at the same job and company for ten years or more will fit right into a startup environment–and when things change, they’re prepared to roll with the punches. What could possibly go wrong?
2. If there’s an existing team, don’t make any adjustments or changes. Don’t even bother to interview the members of the current team to get their insights on how things might function more efficiently, or how they would do things differently if they were in charge. They’re NOT in charge, so don’t let them think they are. And whatever they do, I’m sure they do a good job or they wouldn’t be here. Right? Read More →
The digital media strategist Todd Tarpley has launched businesses for A&E, Bravo, and Nielsen. Because there are already hundreds of blogs and books telling managers how to succeed, his “How Not to Succeed” series uses his expertise to help managers learn how to fail instead.
Congratulations on the new job! You’re a big, important manager now. But while you’re waiting for your imminent promotion to CEO, you still have to report to someone. On paper anyway! Here’s how to make the most of it:
Be the “But” Guy. Always be ready to point out why an idea won’t work. Shake your head whenever your boss speaks in meetings. Hold firm to your conviction that his plan will fail. The fact is, most ideas do fail, so you’ll usually end up being right. Even more important, busy executives appreciate having a trusted colleague who can play devil’s advocate and challenge their assumptions. By disagreeing with everything he says, you’re providing a valuable counterbalance, ensuring that only the most fully vetted ideas are implemented. That’s exactly what the organization needs. Read More →
There are hundreds of business blogs that tell you how to succeed as a new manager. But there are none that tell you how to fail.
Until now. Read More →
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