Author Archive

5 Ways to Make Work the #1 Thing in Your Life—and Everyone Else’s

on June 1, 2011

Gunsworthy9

Whoever coined the phrase “work/life balance” probably understood that the key to long-term productivity is a positive work environment, a range of outside interests, and job satisfaction. You don’t want people like that working for you.

Instead, here are five ways to keep your workers focused on work 24/7:

1. Don’t have a spouse or family, and forbid your employees from having them. Families have a tendency to be involved in school pageants and athletic events, they don’t like to move or change schools, and they suck out a lot of energy that could be better spent on Six Sigma productivity training. If members of your team have preexisting families, encourage them to jettison them immediately. At minimum, require them to replace their personal photos with framed motivational posters. Explain to them that “this is your family now.”    Read More →

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How Not to Succeed: 5 Ways to Make Sure Everyone Knows You Have an MBA

on May 17, 2011

Gunsworthy7

Congratulations on getting your MBA! You are now extremely special. No one else on the planet has one, after all. The people at your new company who don’t have one, including your boss, will enjoy hearing all about it. But they’ll need frequent reminders, especially the part about how it makes you better than them. Here are some tips to maximize your effectiveness:

1. Add “MBA” to your email signature, as if you’re a PhD. This only takes thirty seconds to do, but you’ll be amazed at the impact it has. Every single time you send an email, the recipient will be reminded of your impressive academic credentials. Don’t be surprised if complete strangers start greeting you in the hallways. “Hey, look, it’s the guy with the MBA!”    Read More →

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How to Fail Upwards: 5 Secrets CEOs Don’t Want You to Know

on May 3, 2011

Gunsworthy11

You could spend years trying to fail upwards, only to find that all the good promotions have already been claimed by more successful incompetent people. Here’s how to shave a few years off your timeline:

  1. Communicate only with superiors. As long as your boss thinks you’re doing a good job, you are. Contrary to popular opinion, you should pay absolutely no attention to colleagues or subordinates. Their opinions don’t matter, which is why they don’t have “VP” next to their names. As long as your boss keeps failing upward, you’re golden. But you’re probably wondering what happens when your boss gets fired, laid off, or retires. Well, unless you can somehow quickly learn to manage a team and collaborate with others, you’re kinda screwed. But cross that bridge when you come to it.    Read More →
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How Not to Succeed in Business: 5 Ways to Lead Like a General, not a Coach!

on April 19, 2011

Gunsworthy5

“Management experts” (insert sarcastic chuckle here) are fond of saying that effective business managers lead like coaches, not generals. They point out that in today’s dynamic business world, where top employees have specialized skills as well as the freedom and motivation to change jobs to achieve their career goals, treating employees like regimented foot soldiers is a recipe for disaster. Coaching them like members of a high-performing athletic team is a more productive approach.

What these so-called “experts” fail to understand is that business is a battleground, not a junior-high girls’ badminton league. To succeed, you’ve got to crush your competitors, and what better way to instill that mindset than by crushing your own employees first?

Here are five great ways to do that:

1. Talk, don’t listen! Generals give commands. Coaches have team meetings, make suggestions, and (snicker, snicker) solicit team input. If Patton had adopted the coaching style of leadership during WWII, we’d all be speaking German.    Read More →

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How Not to Succeed in Business: 5 Tips for Hiring a Crappy Team

on April 5, 2011

Gunsworthy8

The digital media strategist Todd Tarpley has launched businesses for A&E, Bravo, and Nielsen. Because there are already hundreds of blogs and books telling managers how to succeed, his “How Not to Succeed” series uses his expertise to help managers learn how to fail instead.

You’ve just been given oversight of a new product launch. Your first task is to hire a team. Here’s how to screw it up:

1. Hire as if it’s a mature business. That means hiring people who have been successfully doing one thing, one way, for a long time. After all, you’re trying to bring some stability to the organization. Why put a premium on versatility and general intelligence? Whatever business plan you have laid out will surely be exactly the same a year from now–no unforeseen changes, no evolution, no growth. People who have worked at the same job and company for ten years or more will fit right into a startup environment–and when things change, they’re prepared to roll with the punches. What could possibly go wrong?

2. If there’s an existing team, don’t make any adjustments or changes. Don’t even bother to interview the members of the current team to get their insights on how things might function more efficiently, or how they would do things differently if they were in charge. They’re NOT in charge, so don’t let them think they are. And whatever they do, I’m sure they do a good job or they wouldn’t be here. Right?    Read More →

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How Not to Succeed in Business: 5 Great Ways to Exasperate Your New Boss

on March 22, 2011

Gunsworthy5

The digital media strategist Todd Tarpley has launched businesses for A&E, Bravo, and Nielsen. Because there are already hundreds of blogs and books telling managers how to succeed, his “How Not to Succeed” series uses his expertise to help managers learn how to fail instead.

Congratulations on the new job! You’re a big, important manager now. But while you’re waiting for your imminent promotion to CEO, you still have to report to someone. On paper anyway! Here’s how to make the most of it:

Be the “But” Guy. Always be ready to point out why an idea won’t work. Shake your head whenever your boss speaks in meetings. Hold firm to your conviction that his plan will fail. The fact is, most ideas do fail, so you’ll usually end up being right. Even more important, busy executives appreciate having a trusted colleague who can play devil’s advocate and challenge their assumptions. By disagreeing with everything he says, you’re providing a valuable counterbalance, ensuring that only the most fully vetted ideas are implemented. That’s exactly what the organization needs.    Read More →

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How Not to Succeed in Business: Success Is Not An Option

on March 8, 2011

Gunsworthy3

There are hundreds of business blogs that tell you how to succeed as a new manager. But there are none that tell you how to fail.

Until now.    Read More →

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